bajillionhits:

There’s a dirty little loophole on the Internet just waiting to be penetrated and exploited. Thanks to a social net called Kickstarter, you can currently trick hipsters into giving you real money to “fund” a “project” you want to “create”.

Basically, you make a MySpace page for pretty much any half-baked idea that comes into your brain, then start asking random strangers on the Internet for cash to support it, and then rich people who have run out of ways to dispose of their income in an appropriately cool manner will actually pay you to make it happen, but you can just take their money and do nothing (because who’s gonna bust you, the Kickstarter police?). Pretty genius stuff.

I know what you’re thinking: I’d love to free up a new revenue stream by relieving a few trust fund kids of their parents’ cash, but just one problem: I don’t have any ideas. Well, since I’m such a nice guy, I’ve come up with 15 artsy-sounding pitches that will work wonderfully for pan-handling on Kickstarter. Give them a try!

1. Starting a freak-folk jugband called “Arugula” that creates hauntingly lush sonic landscapes using instruments made entirely from locally-sourced food items found at a farmer’s market. 

2. Mounting a mural on the side of the New York Public Library that is a giant finger-painting of the blogosphere.

3. Self-publishing an art photography book about women staring at their vaginas, but they are holding mirrors over them, so really they are staring at themselves staring at their vaginas, but then we’re all staring at them. (Think about it.)

4. Writing a 9000-word wank-off essay in a literary journal about hipsters and who they are and what they mean and how we’re all one and why they don’t matter.

5. Starting a viral “Fuck Yeah” Tumblr-turned-book-deal in which photos are hilariously captioned with deadpan irony in a knowing, insidery comedic voice.

6. Creating a new brand of environmentally-sustainable luxury soap made using re-scented feces from a miniature pot-bellied pig named Waldorf.

7. Publishing a boutique alt-comic strip about socially-awkward artsy kids who just don’t fit in.

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Overdone and smug as hell, the Hipster Irritation article is hopefully on its way out. How do legit publications allow their authors to be too cool for people they think feel they’re too cool for other people. Is it the ultimate expression of hipsterdom to deny hipsterdom? Embrace it, assholes. Every group in every age, particularly if it involves a younger crowd, dresses alike, listens alike, reads alike, and eats alike. I don’t write articles complaining about how normies go to clubs, so stop pretending like you discovered anthropology and tell us exactly what it is that we’re supposed to be wearing. God, I know, it’s so annoying that this huge group of people doesn’t just wear whatever jeans it is that YOUR group wears. You’re just minding your own business, going to your own bar, and somewhere you just KNOW that some fashion-forward jerk is drinking a PBR. The unfairness of it all! 

From where I sit, no one’s trying to figure out why a stubborn strain of people tries so hard to go home and watch Dancing with the Stars, so I’m going to go ahead and just assume that by now you’re extending me the same courtesy. I’ll keep listening to whatever I want, wearing what I want, and sure as hell eating whatever I want. Give it an hour and then send a text from your iPhone to mine, letting me know if you’re having trouble sleeping, and then I promise that tomorrow I will become a better person who’s as much like you as I can manage.

whatev2k:

Okay, I gave in and started watching this full-length film “Runaway” from the creative secretions of Kanye West. I was tweeting about it at first but remembered how much I fucking hate live-tweeting, so I decided I’d just condense  everything to a Tumblr post. And then ramble some more. If there’s anything that I actually enjoy about Tumblr, it’s the reminder that I always need to edit.*

Before viewing this, I would say I was three-quarters positive that I would buy the new Kanye album when it’s released. That is based mostly on the single “Monster,” which is pretty amazing. Hold on to your metal-plated cheeks, ‘cause here we go!

Sometimes I like Nicki Minaj. Those times are when she’s featured on a song. Her actual songs are dogshit. That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t write her own verses. Here she’s doing a British accent. She went to a performing arts high school, right? Why should she not show off one of the five things she’s learned?

Slow motion running, poetic and excellent for indirect characterization.

A comet fell to Earth: what if the comet represents the soon-to-be-released Kanye album? HOW META WOULD THIS SHIT BE?

The comet contained an alien bird-woman. Or she could be an angel. I’ll go with alien because it’s cooler. OMG, SHE REPRESENTS THE ALBUM.

“My first #LOL during Kanye’s “Runaway” was at 4:45. He recited dialogue. #MUY #LULZ ” The most important thing Kanye could tell this bird-woman is that you can’t believe the news, regardless of the fact that she may not have any concept of what the news is. Or, so it seems thus far, the concept of speaking.

“Now at minute 6:00. Lol’d at him making a beat. This is a comedic film, right? #Srsly you guys should watch this. #MUY #LULZ ”

“LOOK AT THIS MICHAEL JACKSON HEAD ON PARADE! WHY IS NO ONE HERE WITH ME? #LULZ ”

8 mins, 42 secs: The KKK wearing red. And they’re walking with the MJ bust. Sure.

The alien, bird-woman is the hardest thing to ignore when she’s on screen. She might as well be naked. Casting her has been the best decision so far. I love all you women.

Kanye really gets it - red is really symbolic. Implied or you know, whatever.

A lot of explosions. That could be really good, like the opening to Gucci Mane’s “Gucci Time.” May have to go back and mark when these 80s-inspired plot points occur. But that’s starting to sound like work.

If there’s anything the bird-woman should learn to do on Earth it’s how to drink from a tea cup. One hundred percent agree, Kanye. Also, I appreciate your ability to dominate and prove your masculine superiority by standing across the table from her and judge her child-like curiosity through hard stares.

So, this upcoming album was not created by him. It came to him from the heavens, and Kanye merely shaped it and taught it how to live here. Like a couple of stone tablets with a bunch of boring rules on them like, “Thou shall not kill.” Morals? More Al’s, amirite? What the fuck is going on?

11 mins, 18 secs: White blazer, no shirt? At the dinner table? You should really be wearing a shirt. Didn’t your mama raise you with manners? No home training, damn.

Honestly, the beat here is Classic Kanye, so it’s solid. His verse is not terrible, either.

12 mins, 38 secs: Kanye is so pissed at the alien birdy. The western manners he forced on her aren’t working and the rest of the guests aren’t receptive to her. They’re laughing. Like at this metaphor. But then that’s also a metaphor. And that. And that.

Okay, no he’s laughing at the alien woman, too. Humility! Or poor editing.

12 mins, 49 secs: I hate when actors stare right into the camera. This is probably a Spike Lee shout-out. Ugh.

13 mins, 8 secs: More Kanye dialogue. Forced like blood-flow through the arteries of a Wal-Mart shopper. Or forced like a Kanye single onto the radio. Oh yeah, Wal-Mart is not selling this new album or changing the cover, or something else equally as boring. 

Some dinner guest:”Do you know she’s a bird?”KW: “Nah, I never noticed that.”(KANYE STAY HIGH AS WU-TANG GET.)

Kanye got so mad he might break the keys on his MacPiano! Play your anger off, Keyboard Kanye! Prepare for the Rick Roll!

A little under halfway through: Okay, the Taylor Swift song except it’s not about Taylor Swift, just Kanye being a dick. “Runaway” - it’s good. I’ve spent a lot of time with douchebags, assholes, scumbags, and jerk-offs. I have been labeled as all of those, too, so I feel this song. My only question: why hasn’t anyone told Kanye that he can’t sing?

(In “Runaway”, Kanye mentions texting a pic of his “diiiii-ccckk.” As a side note, I do not understand that desire. At all. Ladies, is that a turn on? On a scale of one to one thousand, how much would that peak your sexual interest, besides not at all? #Favre)

As annoying yet entertaining as Kanye’s self-aware irony is on Twitter, he seems to be genuinely sincere in this song, “Runaway”. I can’t wait for self-deprecation to become a trending topic or common in mainstream hip-hop. Finally, white boys can join in the fun.

23 mins, 10 secs: Bird-woman crotch shot. Finally and blatantly.

23 mins, 44 secs: One of the servants just put a full, unplucked (so I’m assuming also uncooked), possibly still-alive turkey on the table RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BIRD-WOMAN. Has someone slowed down Michelle Tanner saying, “How rude!”? That’s totes appro here. You’re ruining the bird-lady, Kanye.

Then, the bird-woman started screeching and everyone ran away. I feel you, dinner-guests-in-an-abandoned-warehouse, because that is usually my reaction to Kanye’s singing. Kanye put his head in his hands because he failed. Oh, the paranoia and fear of creativity. This album is all kinds of funny crazy sexy cool whatever.

24 mins, 37 secs: Explosion. I think it’s the same footage from earlier. Would be stoked to see this end like “Predator” with Kanye covered in mud, duking it out with the bird-woman. I’d take “Commando” though, too.

How does Kanye fix this emotionally-battered alien? Where does he go from here with the album? Get introspective Kanye, quick! Whew.

26 mins: Bird-woman speaks perfect English. Now this I just do not fucking buy.BW: “[Statues] are Phoenix turned to stone.”(Despite not knowing anything about our concepts of myth, art, symbolism, Phoenixeseses, rebirth, fire, or apparently, acting. She may be worse at delivering lines than Kanye.)


BW: “Do you know what I hate most about your world? Anything that is different, you try to change. You try to tear it down.” Then go back to Bird-world, lady.

If this is commentary from Kanye, he needs to stop. If this is his album, as metaphor for misunderstanding, then I guess I get it. Despite the fact that I completely disagree with the ideas of alien-bird, this really came from left field. Turkeys are different, sure, but they’re also delicious and I have to eat, so get over it, lady.

Just casually revealed that the bird-woman is a Phoenix. Duh, you guys.

26 mins, 57 secs: Gross-ass kiss, dawg. No hit.

28 mins, 5 secs: Explosion. This one might be in reference to Kanye ejactulating because, you know, I think he and bird-woman just boned. Even metaphoric women in conceptual hip-hop videos are objectified. We must break this cycle.

Begin minute 29 by making the music harder then cue someone (here, Kanye) running slow-motion through a forest. #johnmctiernanteachesfilm

From more explosions rises the Phoenix. The album will rise from it’s previous missteps. Maybe but I bet Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em will still be on. Soulja Boy is the worst.

Directed by Kanye, written by Hype Williams. Really. Not even kidding. Story by Kanye West. (Hint: There really wasn’t one.)

The song during the credits is awful. And then there’s clapping after the credits end but I am not moving my hands. That’s right Kanye, give yourself a round of applause. You had enough money the vision to pull off this… thing.

I guess ultimately I see this as a crappier version of the fabled Prince home-movies. I am going to watch the part with the song “Runaway” again because that song is good. If something like this came along for “Monster,” Kanye’s other current single, it would probably rule. I’m between 80 and 90 percent positive I’ll buy the album now. The music in “Runaway” the film was good for the most part. I mean, there’s no comparison here to “Tron: Legacy” because that will be the greatest music video of all time. #daftpunk

R.I.P. Paper-mache Michael Jackson head. You lived as your inspiration did: weird.

*Fuck off.